Halfway Found

These are the newest poems here, written between spring 2025 and summer 2026, and they all circle the same habit: auditing myself against a standard I set, and noticing what that audit does to me. I've spent my whole life working on myself in one way or another. Somewhere along the way I started asking whether the working ever counts as arriving — whether I'd recognize the finished version if I met him. These three are attempts at that question from different angles.

Waiting is the most recent, from summer 2026. Every excuse in it is one I've actually used, and that's the trap — they all sound legitimate. We convince ourselves it's fine to skip the more important thing because the conditions aren't right yet. Part of loving yourself is pushing yourself to do all of it anyway, and part of it is noticing how long you've been waiting on conditions that were never the point.

Paradox came out of a winter spent wondering why I've always seen myself as a person who doesn't make sense. I loved tech but I was athletic. People read me as cool while I carried horrible social anxiety. Eventually I realized I wasn't just noticing the contradiction — I had been building it on purpose, because being hard to comprehend felt like a way to matter. The collection takes its name from this poem's last line, because it's the honest place to stop: proud of what I've built, aware it isn't the whole job.

Role Model started as a question a friend asked me on the phone — would you be a role model for the younger you? What surprised me was how far the honest answer outran the question. Younger me was certain the world was horrible, that suffering was inevitable, that there was no one out there to truly embrace. He wasn't wrong to think it — but I've become someone he never thought was possible. I am who I want to be, better than anything he dared to imagine, and he wouldn't understand me at all. I couldn't be happier about that.

Waiting

When I have this or No longer have that Have something to provide for Or when my wallet is fat When I don't have work Or put down the fork When I truly follow through On the things I said I'd do When friends aren't busy And I'm not dizzy When I don't sink in the couch Or am not next to a grouch When I get out of bed and love the guy in the mirror.

Paradox

I wanted friends to call my own Ones who loved me for who I was Yet I spent my time sitting alone Trying to become a paradox because I thought if I were different Or far beyond comprehension I'd be someone's parent Or have some loving tension I found the feeling I asked for What it means to be unique Though my value is far from poor I have one critique Though you love yourself You aren't anything with no one around Take those trophies off the shelf You are only halfway found

Role Model

"Would you be a role model for the younger you?" This question took a while to answer All of the things he wanted that I didn't do I fell out of sports and didn't cure cancer The boy who thought the world was a horrible place Where suffering was inevitable and overwhelming Where it's impossible to find someone to truly embrace And what he said was pretty compelling He wasn't even that far from the truth I still only work if push comes to shove I haven't broke the habits from my youth I can't pretend I have someone to love But I am who I want to be Even if it's crappier He wouldn't even understand me And I couldn't be happier